Sometimes I cry when I rake the leaves or walk the dog or clean the house. I don't cry because I am sad. It's a release for moments when I want to scream or quit. There have been many occasions when I have yelled out, "I cannot fucking believe this is my life!"
The frustration comes in the unexpected and unpredictable moments. Change occurs. A shift in the trajectory of my mother's disease creates a split second of chaos that spirals quickly into a mini disaster and I want to scream or quit but instead, I just cry.
I don't need comfort or a hug or help making dinner. I need to become a mind reader so I can peer into my mother's brain and see the disconnects that cause the forgetfulness and the failures; so I can fix stuff before it happens.
For months, mom has been getting sick all of the sudden. She has a seemingly good day and then, without warning, she is nauseated and vomiting. It took a number of occurrences and months of seeking answers to discover that she wasn't eating. She was going all day without eating. Dad made sure she took her pills but didn't make sure she ate. The medicine made her sick and created a number of other side effects like insomnia that would keep her up ALL night. Usually when we say we didn't sleep all night, we mean we only got a few hours of sleep. But when my mom is up all night, she does not sleep one minute. And that causes a more rapid deterioration of the brain.
One issue resolved. So many more ahead. Probably more tears as well.
