Wishing for More Time

While my life rapidly evolves due to the changing health of my parents, there are many circumstances that add to the pressures of making sure their golden years are golden. Balancing my finances is the biggest challenge as I work to maintain two homes. It would be a dream to work just one job and make enough money to take care of all of us. The most fun part is creating weekly menus, grocery shopping, and cooking. I LOVE that part. If I could create menus, shop, and cook for 20 people every week, I would. My least favorite responsibility is the cleaning. Making sure my parents are living in a healthy and safe environment is a daily priority. The one thing I need more of is... time.

I always feel so pressed for time. Even when I am broke until the next payday (which is often 4 or 5 days away), all I can think about is how time is running out. The changes in my mom are becoming more and more visible. My dad has discovered a sudden burst of energy and responsibility. Yesterday, he sneaked out of the house on his own, in the rain, and drove to the doctor. He also jumped in yesterday and helped with mom's medicine. On days like that, I feel more pressure to take care of my dad better. Part of that effort is making sure my dad has time to connect with his brother.

My uncle who is a priest and a Franciscan monk, also has Alzheimer's. Six years younger, he is my dad's only brother. He was diagnosed a few years before my mom and his order shipped him off to Wisconsin to an assisted-living home specifically designed for Franciscans. I have been able to take my parents to see him twice but now,  my uncle is swiftly declining.

Much like my grandfather, my uncle has recently become a bit aggressive and this has resulted in a shift in his residence. We used to be able to take him out with us. We could go to the lake or shopping or to a restaurant. But now, he is restricted to the property and every report comes with news of more change.

This summer, we will make the 7-hour trek to Manitowoc, WI to see my uncle again. Tearfully, my dad informed me that this could be our last trip to see my uncle. I extended our plans. We will stay a little longer so my dad can just sit with my uncle. We will celebrate my uncle's 45 year anniversary as a monk. There will be a special mass. We will also celebrate my dad's 77th birthday and my nephew's 14th birthday. We will spend TIME with family. Time which will inevitably feel too short. As it does every day.

I worry that seeing my uncle will create a greater fear in me regarding the future for my mom. But I will be strong because it is what I do. And I will keep working to make sure my parents' senior years are good and safe and as perfect as possible. And I will work three jobs if I have to even though it will take away from the time we so desperately need.

The clock keeps ticking and I keep chasing after every single minute with no regrets.